We’ve all been there: that place of soul crushing disappointment where your birthday expectations don’t meet up with your reality. The truth is, adult birthdays are a lot of responsibility. No parent is planning your bash or buying you a cake anymore.

Yet, somehow, we hold this unwavering belief that someone is going to plan our perfect day without us saying anything at all! Or we do plan things… and they always seem to go very, very wrong. Here are some tips for overcoming birthday disappointment.

If you want a party… throw yourself a party! I can’t count the amount of times I’ve decided to hold low expectations and make zero plans in an attempt to avoid disappointment. Let’s just see what happens, blah blah blah, and then… surprise! Nothing happens. As adults we need to take our birthdays into our own hands. The key here is to not stress too much about people showing up or other nitty gritty details. Recruit a friend to be your party planner. Your vinas want to make your birthday great, but chances are no one is going to plan you a party unless you ask them to.

Take yourself shopping and buy yourself a present. Plan a nice dinner for yourself and your vinas, or (if you can) take the day off of work and treat yourself to a spa day. Eat a lot of birthday cake! You don’t need a huge bash to make yourself feel special. When you let the world know that you are celebrating, it will rally and celebrate with you.

Don’t tell people your birthday doesn’t matter to you if it does. They will (surprise) actually think it doesn’t matter. Or even if they see through you, they won’t know what you want from them. Tell people what you want! You don’t have to be demanding or greedy, just clearly mention what you hope to gain from the day. Disappointment is not a softer blow when you don’t speak up, but it is more likely to happen.

Write a journal entry on your birthday! Reflect on the past year and the year to come. Make resolutions. Your birthday can be a lot more therapeutic and productive than New Years when it comes to starting fresh. Regardless of the celebration (or lack thereof) you will still get meaning out of your special day.

Spend the whole week celebrating. This is helpful because not so much hangs on one day or gathering. You don’t have to have a whole bunch of activities planned, but enjoy the whole week in a cloud of birthday specialness.