FRIENDSHIP GHOSTING: VINA ETIQUETTE DO’S AND DON’TS

In this day and age, we all know someone who has or been ghosted. In some instances, that person may be you. For those who don’t know, ghosting is the modern day term for giving someone the slip, usually in a way that involves technology (think: being left on read indefinitely). While the term is often reserved for Tinder matches and failed dating prospects, friendships are not immune to the one-sided decision to abruptly end a relationship. Not only is friendship ghosting a real thing, but it also happens for similar reasons to romantic ghosting: lousy communication, safety concerns, or even just lack of interest.

Because it’s 2019, here are some do’s and don’ts of friend ghosting:

DO CONSIDER YOUR “WHY”

It’s just as important to figure out what you don’t like as it is to figure out what you do like. Reap the most from your situation by asking why you need to end your friendship and why you need to do it via ghosting. Whether you’re ghosting because you just never feel like answering your old group partner’s invite to drinks, or because you had a falling out that would make the Real Housewives cringe, you’ll learn something new. You may find that your friendship had turned toxic and now you know which behaviors you want to steer clear of in future relationships. The reason your ghosting could be linked to knowing based on past actions that your ex-friend will not respond well to confrontation. Conclusions like these can help you spot red flags early on, and avoid having to ghost in the future.

DON’T GHOST TO BE PETTY

2019 is the year that self-care gets taken up a notch and we start looking at the toxic behaviors that we perform in our own lives. Have you been manipulative or selfish in a friendship? Have you been the one who has caused many of the issues you’re experiencing? Is there something you need to apologize for? If so, don’t ghost! Get your conscious clear and say what you need to say.

Ghosting should be done in your best interest, not as your go-to move for when you want to get back at someone and avoid responsibility for your actions. You don’t want to cut off conversations and attempts at reconciliation because you don’t like what you’re hearing or the outcome of the situation. You also don’t want to ghost and then spread rumors or wrongfully “expose” someone. As Dita Von Teese once said:
“Keep your dignity at all times.”

DO KNOW THAT IT’S OKAY TO GHOST SOMETIMES

Some people stand by the idea that ghosting is never okay and there’s never a good reason for it. We’re going to have to disagree. Ending all communication with a person for the sake of your mental health and well being, your safety, your valuable time is a hard but sometimes necessary decision. If you’re making this decision for you, feel okay about it. You don’t have to be ashamed or feel guilty about putting yourself first.

You should think about the role you played in the downfall of the relationship while also knowing that you can’t change another person. You can only change yourself based on what’s best for you.

DON’T MAKE GHOSTING A HABIT

As convenient as ghosting can be, there is a benefit to having hard conversations. This past year was the first time I had to tell a person close to me that we couldn’t be friends anymore. Actually saying those words hurt. However, I learned a lot from that situation and was able to say, “we push each other’s boundaries in unhealthy ways. Maybe we’ll be able to rekindle this sometime in the future, but not now.”

I also had someone tell me they didn’t want to be friends with me anymore. Being on the other end of the break up is just as painful. It sucked, but I was able to see her point of view. Our values just didn’t align and they hadn’t for a while. It was time to part ways. It hurts, and I wish I could be everything for everyone and vice versa, but that’s never going to happen. I have closure and learned a lot from both situations: something I never would have gotten if I’d ghosted or been ghosted. Hard conversations can be worth it.

In an ideal world, no one would have to ghost anyone. We would all be on the same page and have similar communication styles. Unfortunately, that’s not the world we live in, but it is where we should strive to be. Put yourself first, keep your dignity, and do what you need to find some good old fashioned peace. If that means deleting a phone number or blocking a social media account now and again, now you know how to do it.

Swipe through Hey! VINA to find your next gal pal that you’d never want to ghost.

WHAT TO DO IF A VINA GHOSTS YOU

We’ve all been in situations before when suddenly a person we once knew and called a friend starts to distance themselves, be noncommittal, and their one worded responses turn into complete silence. Often times this occurs during one’s middle and high school years, but unfortunately it doesn’t always end there. Even as adults, our peers can be someone we talk to on a daily basis, and then suddenly, not one word would be spoken between one another for a period of time. If they no longer want to try and be friends with you or starts avoiding you, what do you do?

CONSIDER AND EVALUATE

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How close were you really with your vina? Was she just an acquaintance or was she your main chick, your go-to for any given situation, your most trusted confidante? Going through memories and past conversations or experiences with your vina will help in guiding you to your next step on what to do if a vina is ghosting you.

However, if they are ghosting you because they believe you are associating yourself with a toxic relationship and they have tried talking and reasoning with you, then chances are it’s best if you were to take the time and evaluate who is more important: someone who has been by your side, being honest with you, or someone who you think you can’t live without, but is being manipulative, dishonest, and untrustworthy.

SALVAGEABLE OR NOT?

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There were times where after thinking about my friend and missing the kind of relationship we had together, I would try and reach out. Any relationship is a two-way street and would need both people’s cooperation. If the conversation is only one-sided, or if you’re putting in more effort, than maybe it’s best to cut your losses, and move on. At least you know you tried everything you could to salvage your friendship.

DON’T BLAME YOURSELF

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Just like with any relationship, there’s always a small percentage of self-doubt when something goes wrong or if there’s an argument. You might start questioning what you could have done and what you may have done wrong that caused your friend to start ignoring and rejecting you. It may be difficult, but don’t start blaming or questioning yourself! Sometimes relationships just fizzle out because of other things going on in the other person’s life or the lack of common interests. When that is the case, in no way was the fault your own.

DON’T SWEAT IT

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Along with not blaming yourself, don’t let someone ghosting you affect your other relationships or affect your school/work mindset. Additionally, don’t dwell on the ghosting. Dwelling turns into questioning, and questioning turns into self-doubt. Just remember you still have other friends and your family who love and support you for who you are.

STAY YOURSELF!

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Just because someone ghosts you for lack of common interests or both of your ideals change, doesn’t mean YOU have to change your beliefs, change how you dress, how you talk, or how you think. If they’re forcing you to change a part of yourself to be more compatible with them, then they aren’t people you would want to be friends with or associate with. Surround yourself with people who will pick you up, support and encourage you, and also be real with you when you’re doing something ridiculous. Don’t settle for anyone that tears you down or make you feel like you’re inadequate. Settle for people who make you laugh, smile, and push you to be your very best.

If you have been ghosted, we’re so sorry! Start swiping for a new vina here!

(Featured Image via @h-o-r-n-g-r-y)

3 REASONS YOUR POTENTIAL BESTIE TURNED INTO A FRIENDSHIP ONE-NIGHT-STAND

It’s just a fact of life, that not every person you meet is gonna be one of your people. You know, one of those people who truly gets you, with whom conversation flows easily, and laughs come often.

When it comes to Hey! VINA, we usually say that if it’s good on paper – erhm, on the app – it’ll be good IRL. But the truth is, it’s hard to gauge chemistry before you meet up. And sometimes that first meet-up is going to be fun, but it’s also going to be the only meet-up. That is totally okay, but it can be a little bit of an awkward situation to navigate.

Here are 3 possible reasons your potential bestie turned out to just be a friendship one-night-stand:

THE ONE-WAY STREET

Sometimes, only one person will feel the budding friendship connection after your first vina-date. Whether you’re the one feeling it or not, it’s nothing to stress about. The best part about making new friends is finding people who you have a connection with – and if that’s not happening on your part, or their’s, it’s better for both of you to move on to the next! Keep that in mind if you have to decline a second meet-up, or if you’re the one getting declined – either way, being gracious for the opportunity to meet someone amazing is the best you can do!

THE CALENDAR SNAFFU

This one is tough – because no one means to be flaky, but sometimes we all get busy AF. After the first successful meet-up and then a few subsequent texts like, “Ugh, I’m the worst! I’m so busy. Next week??” It might be time to move on and find someone with a more compatible schedule. If you’ve never read the “Let’s Get Drinks” article from The New Yorker, now is the time. 😂

THE GHOST

This one is the worst. Ghosting is never the best option IMO. It might be easier for the ghost-er, but it certainly causes the most confusion and potential hurt feelings for the friend who gets ghosted. If you simply never hear back from a vina after the first meet-up, try not to take it personally. There are so many reasons someone may have ghosted you – none of which have anything to do with how amazing you are!

Whatever the reason is, don’t sweat it! There are literally thousands of other potential besties waiting to meet you on Hey! VINA, all you gotta do is swipe right! 

(Featured image via @brunapetrillo)

3 THEORIES WHY YOUR FRIEND GHOSTED YOU

It’s never fun when you’re totally vibing with a new friend and she stops responding, out of nowhere. Ghosting is a woefully common millennial phenomenon that’s often an avoidance tactic – when it’s done intentionally.

Many of us deal with enough ghosting in the dating world, so it can be extra disappointing to encounter it in a friendly situation. Friends are supposed to be the ones we count on, after all.

Regardless of why a vina has ghosted on you, acknowledge that it may hurt a little and has nothing to do with you. It’s more a reflection of her issues, and there are plenty of potential besties out there! Try your best not to let it overwhelm you.

But if you’re wondering, these are 3 likely theories why your friend may have ghosted you.

SHE’S DISORGANIZED

You never know how many other people a person might be talking to. Maybe you were one of twenty other vinas she was chatting with and she just had trouble keeping her conversations straight. Chances are, she needs to get her life together a little better before she can be the reliable friend you deserve.

SHE HATES CONFLICT

Don’t beat yourself up too much over the likelihood of this, but it is possible that she’s upset with you and doesn’t know how to express herself, so she’s chosen silence. If you think that might be what’s going on, reach out and address it in a diplomatic way. If she doesn’t respond, move on – you deserve a friend who has the capacity to resolve issues that come up in your relationship.

SHE’S BUSY AF

Not saying this is a good excuse, but it’s certainly one that happens. Hectic jobs, new romances, catching the wanderlust bug – there are a number of things she could be preoccupied with. It’s hard to pinpoint someone’s day-to-day when they’re not sharing it with us. If this is the case, she’ll come back and initiate catch up time with you when the dust has settled for her. True friends don’t let time, distance, or major life events get between a friendship.

TBH, we hate ghosting – it’s always better to tell the truth than to leave someone hanging in our opinion. Have you ever been ghosted? Tell us about it in the comments!

(Featured image via @urbanoutfitters)

OK, WTF IS BREADCRUMBING?

What’s a girl supposed to do to get a date when half the world’s buried in their phones? Even the best of us have found ourselves intrigued by the world of right-swipes and super likes. In the world of modern (AKA, internet) dating, there’s a lot of uncertainty. We’ve got to worry about catfishing, ghosting, and now… breadcrumbing?!

THE DEETS

You read that right. Bread crumbing is the new dating term, and although you might not know what it means, it makes a lot of sense. Basically, breadcrumbing happens when you match with that super-cute guy or gal, hit it off, continue the convo, and it never really seems to go anywhere.

They keep feeding you little “crumbs,” Hansel-and-Gretel style, but never make any promises. There’s no date, although there may have been mention about “seeing a movie one day” or “grabbing coffee sometime.” Without fail, it never happens. But for some bizarre reason, you keep talking. WTF, right?

BREADCRUMBING IRL

But if you stop and think about it, it’s probably happened to you. You get a little too excited because you’ve matched with one person in a sea of hell no’s who might be compatible with you, and then… nothing. Think a littler harder. Wait–you’ve done it too? You’re chatting with a match and the convo’s going pretty smoothly, but you’re just feelin’ meh. So you don’t act on it, but you’re kind of bored at work and keep chatting anyway

NOW BENCHING?

Yeah, yikes. Don’t feel too bad, though, because apparently it’s so common its got a name now. And, it’s got a sister-term, too: benching.

Benching is basically the breadcrumbing of relationships. Ouch. Suddenly your S/O isn’t answering calls, making dates, or bothering to show up. Luckily, for situations like that, we’ve got our vinas to back us up, lift us up, and eat lots of chocolate with.

Have you ever been breadcrumbed, or done the breadcrumbing? Let us know in the comments below, and join the community by downloading Hey! VINA on the app store. We promise not to breadcrumb you.

(Feature image via @queenveto)