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A LETTER TO THE FRIEND I HURT

And the things I wish I could change.

I’m sorry, sincerely.

I didn’t mean to hurt you in any concrete form of the word. After all, we were friends. Good friends. We were becoming the kind of friends that were comfortable around each other. The kind of friends who could say things that would sound crude in any other setting, but the recognition of tone was so apparent between us that we just knew it wasn’t offensive. We were building a form of trust, appreciation and loyalty that only we  could ever know.

But I guess the operative word in all of that is were. And “were” is a past tense subjunctive that cannot be re-determined, retraced or retracted. In the same way, I can’t take back the things I said in a momentary lapse of frustration.

I think the worst part about words though, is that you can’t shove them back onto your mouth and down into your throat. And the worst part about not meaning them is that you can never make the person you said them to understand that you truly did not mean them. I can say I’m sorry a million times, but that will never change the fact that something I said permanently damaged our friendship. That kind of hurt will always lie dormant in you until something forces you to relive the moment again. The size of the bullet doesn’t matter — it’s where you shoot it that makes the difference.

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People say that actions speak louder than words, but I don’t believe that. Words are, more often than not, the absence of the ability to act, so doesn’t that make them the truest form of intention? Being so determined to express your feelings — good or bad — but only having words to cling to, there is power in that. In love this is beautiful, but in hatred it is tragic.

So I’m sorry, if that means anything to you at all. I will forever wish that I would have taken a breath and let the moment pass. Because looking back, I will deeply regret this forever. You are a good person and I’m sorry that there was ever a time when I did not let you live up to that standard. I do believe that everything happens for a reason, so I know in my heart that we weren’t meant to be friends forever.  I know that our time together was meant to be short-lived and that our influence over each other’s lives was one that did not need much time to be meaningful. I’m just sorry that I had to be the reason we aren’t those people anymore. But at the same time, I don’t want to be those people anymore.

But I do still hope there is some version of this life where we can connect on a new wavelength, one that suits us both. One where we’ve grown up enough to realize the sanctity of friendship and how rare the good ones really are. I don’t ever expect us to be the friends we used to be, and like I said, I don’t think I’d even want that. What I do want is for us to be new friends. I hope a version of our friendship can exist one day in a place that knows the past, but does not feed off of its energy.

With all of the love I have to offer,

Your friend.

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