To be blunt, I did it because I thought I wouldn’t get caught.
Getting away with it the first time resulted in my getting away with it a second time and then getting caught the third time. Maybe it was a thrill; getting away with hooking up with my best friend’s BF that first time made it easier to justify, made it easier to live with myself and I didn’t stop until I was caught. Now, after decades of therapy, I know there were bigger issues at play.
This is what the F I was thinking:
1.) I was envious of everything my female friends appeared to be. My friends were short, pretty-cute, athletic, good in school, and had wealthier and more involved parents. They could maintain part-time jobs while attending full-time school, had the most recent trends in clothes, hair and makeup and I… had a substance abuse problem and was failing at life. I was a mess, and it was easier to keep people at a distance than to admit any of this to anyone. I wanted to be these women, so I worked hard at convincing myself that I hated them instead of accepting who I was.
2.) I had profoundly low self-esteem … but I had an amazing amount of confidence in men. I was proud to be the “not like the other girls” type that guys liked to be around because I didn’t complain, I didn’t demand, and I wasn’t interested in commitment. I wanted attention from guys more than I needed the friendship of women. A boyfriend was more valuable to how I felt about myself than any female friendship could offer.
3.) I believed all women were competition. I was raised in a society where being hot was more valuable than being good, UNLESS you wanted a boyfriend. Good girls got boyfriends, and hot girls got around. I was not a good girl. However, in my heart of hearts, I believed being desired was advantageous in the short-term more than trying to make and maintain friendships with women. Women were catty bitches who were shallow and just waiting to stick a knife in my back. I knew I should not trust women. What I couldn’t acknowledge was I didn’t trust women because I was the one who was untrustworthy.
While the specifics of my circumstances are probably 100% different from the many women reading this, I think the generalities of competition, low self-esteem, and envy are common to most of us. When I thought women were dishonest, duplicitous, and vapid, it was because I was these things and I liked to project my crap on other people. It’s easier to deal with when it’s some else’s fault.
I now know what the F I was thinking, and I’m glad I don’t feel that way anymore.
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